WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE ELECTING
Jill Sargeant, Jacob Ready, and Charlotte Cwikowski in the premiere of this sketch, part of SLC Lampoon's Election Eve Sketch Show 2012. Photo by Tiffany Robyn.
(Two women, one dressed in red, one in blue, in a hospital waiting room. Both very pregnant. Ready to pop. Enter the Doctor, reading charts.)
DOCTOR: Mrs. Blue, Mrs. Red, everything looks fine.
RED: Oh great!
BLUE: Tomorrow’s the big day then!
DOCTOR: Yes, about that. There’s just one little thing I forgot to mention nine months ago.
BLUE: What’s that, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Only one of you can give birth tomorrow.
(Pause.)
BLUE: Oh that’s alright! Mrs. Red can give birth tomorrow, and I’ll go the next day!
RED: Oh no no, I don’t believe in handouts. Mrs. Blue should go first, and I’ll go Wednesday.
DOCTOR: Ah. Well. No one can give birth on Wednesday.
RED: Thursday then.
DOCTOR: The thing is, one of you will give birth tomorrow, and the other will have to wait four years.
(Pause.)
BLUE: Four more years –
RED: – of being pregnant?
DOCTOR: There is a chance it won’t be four years. It might be eight.
BLUE: EIGHT?
DOCTOR: Or twelve, or sixteen…
RED: I can’t make it that long.
DOCTOR: That’s the way the system works.
BLUE: (To Mrs. Red.) I bet you wish you believed in abortion now.
(They both laugh fake/overly politely.)
RED: (Laughing.) I’m gonna pin you down and shave your hair off.
DOCTOR: Ladies, don’t worry! We can decide this in a civilized manner. We’ll have a debate. You each can tell me why you deserve to give birth. We’ll start with Mrs. Blue.
BLUE: Well, I think my child could really be a voice for the weak and powerless in this country and –
(Mrs. Red pushes her out of the way and takes center stage.)
RED: My kid’s a CEO – I can feel it!
BLUE: (Weakly.) I think it was still my turn –
(Mrs. Red rushes over to help Mrs. Blue up.)
RED: Oh I’m so sorry, sweetie. I don’t know what “turns” are. My friends and I are all billionaires.
BLUE: Yeah well, all my friends are celebrities!
RED: Sure they are, sweetie. At least the ones who aren’t maids and gardeners.
DOCTOR: Maybe debates aren’t the best way to do this. Maybe we could just have you both explain your plans for your children.
RED: I plan on raising my child to be a star quarterback, a successful businessman, a faithful and loving husband, and a devout believer in God. (To Mrs. Blue.) Oh, or as your people call him, Allah.
BLUE: Okay, first off I’m not a Muslim –
ALL: (To audience.) Not that there’s anything wrong with them.
BLUE: And secondly the 1950s called and want their ENTIRE WAY OF LIFE BACK.
RED: Oh wow VH1 called and wants its JOKE STRUCTURE BACK.
BLUE: Oh wow Gawker called and wants its VH1 joke back!
RED: Oh wow – wait. What the heck is Gawker?
BLUE: (To Doctor.) Aha! She’s out of touch! How can you let someone this out of touch raise a child?
RED: I’m sorry I don’t do the facebook and smoke the doobies.
BLUE: One time. I tried it ONE TIME.
RED: Doctor, how well do you know Mrs. Blue? Is Blue her real name? Have you ever seen her BIRTH CERTIFICATE?
BLUE: Oh good one, yeah, like, like that’s important.
DOCTOR: Actually…I haven’t ever seen Mrs. Blue’s birth certificate.
(Pause.)
BLUE: (To her belly.) Come on Junior, let’s do this Chicago style!
(She starts pushing on her belly, trying to force the baby out. Red rushes over and puts her hands on Blue’s groin, trying to keep it in.)
RED: Didn’t you already have a baby four years ago? It’s time to give someone else a turn.
BLUE: Maybe you don’t remember your baby from eight years ago who was pretty much the WORST BABY IN THE HISTORY OF BABIES.
DOCTOR: Ladies, please!
(He pulls them apart.)
DOCTOR: This is silly. I’m sure you both have good genes to pass on to the next generation, and you ought to be able to contribute them.
RED: I agree.
BLUE: You know her favorite book is Battlefield Earth, right?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Blue –
BLUE: I’m just saying. She’s cute but she’s stupid.
(The women rush each other again, but Doctor keeps them apart.)
DOCTOR: You both have your good parts. So, the only sensible solution to this problem is…
Contact me to find out the action-packed ending, or learn more about my sketch and stand-up skillz.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Blue, Mrs. Red, everything looks fine.
RED: Oh great!
BLUE: Tomorrow’s the big day then!
DOCTOR: Yes, about that. There’s just one little thing I forgot to mention nine months ago.
BLUE: What’s that, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Only one of you can give birth tomorrow.
(Pause.)
BLUE: Oh that’s alright! Mrs. Red can give birth tomorrow, and I’ll go the next day!
RED: Oh no no, I don’t believe in handouts. Mrs. Blue should go first, and I’ll go Wednesday.
DOCTOR: Ah. Well. No one can give birth on Wednesday.
RED: Thursday then.
DOCTOR: The thing is, one of you will give birth tomorrow, and the other will have to wait four years.
(Pause.)
BLUE: Four more years –
RED: – of being pregnant?
DOCTOR: There is a chance it won’t be four years. It might be eight.
BLUE: EIGHT?
DOCTOR: Or twelve, or sixteen…
RED: I can’t make it that long.
DOCTOR: That’s the way the system works.
BLUE: (To Mrs. Red.) I bet you wish you believed in abortion now.
(They both laugh fake/overly politely.)
RED: (Laughing.) I’m gonna pin you down and shave your hair off.
DOCTOR: Ladies, don’t worry! We can decide this in a civilized manner. We’ll have a debate. You each can tell me why you deserve to give birth. We’ll start with Mrs. Blue.
BLUE: Well, I think my child could really be a voice for the weak and powerless in this country and –
(Mrs. Red pushes her out of the way and takes center stage.)
RED: My kid’s a CEO – I can feel it!
BLUE: (Weakly.) I think it was still my turn –
(Mrs. Red rushes over to help Mrs. Blue up.)
RED: Oh I’m so sorry, sweetie. I don’t know what “turns” are. My friends and I are all billionaires.
BLUE: Yeah well, all my friends are celebrities!
RED: Sure they are, sweetie. At least the ones who aren’t maids and gardeners.
DOCTOR: Maybe debates aren’t the best way to do this. Maybe we could just have you both explain your plans for your children.
RED: I plan on raising my child to be a star quarterback, a successful businessman, a faithful and loving husband, and a devout believer in God. (To Mrs. Blue.) Oh, or as your people call him, Allah.
BLUE: Okay, first off I’m not a Muslim –
ALL: (To audience.) Not that there’s anything wrong with them.
BLUE: And secondly the 1950s called and want their ENTIRE WAY OF LIFE BACK.
RED: Oh wow VH1 called and wants its JOKE STRUCTURE BACK.
BLUE: Oh wow Gawker called and wants its VH1 joke back!
RED: Oh wow – wait. What the heck is Gawker?
BLUE: (To Doctor.) Aha! She’s out of touch! How can you let someone this out of touch raise a child?
RED: I’m sorry I don’t do the facebook and smoke the doobies.
BLUE: One time. I tried it ONE TIME.
RED: Doctor, how well do you know Mrs. Blue? Is Blue her real name? Have you ever seen her BIRTH CERTIFICATE?
BLUE: Oh good one, yeah, like, like that’s important.
DOCTOR: Actually…I haven’t ever seen Mrs. Blue’s birth certificate.
(Pause.)
BLUE: (To her belly.) Come on Junior, let’s do this Chicago style!
(She starts pushing on her belly, trying to force the baby out. Red rushes over and puts her hands on Blue’s groin, trying to keep it in.)
RED: Didn’t you already have a baby four years ago? It’s time to give someone else a turn.
BLUE: Maybe you don’t remember your baby from eight years ago who was pretty much the WORST BABY IN THE HISTORY OF BABIES.
DOCTOR: Ladies, please!
(He pulls them apart.)
DOCTOR: This is silly. I’m sure you both have good genes to pass on to the next generation, and you ought to be able to contribute them.
RED: I agree.
BLUE: You know her favorite book is Battlefield Earth, right?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Blue –
BLUE: I’m just saying. She’s cute but she’s stupid.
(The women rush each other again, but Doctor keeps them apart.)
DOCTOR: You both have your good parts. So, the only sensible solution to this problem is…
Contact me to find out the action-packed ending, or learn more about my sketch and stand-up skillz.
